Late Night Introspection

Be forewarned: I am about to present another introspective piece, which means more complaining about where my life is going and what I'm doing with it. I realize people tire of my sob stories - Lord knows how often I've been told to stop feeling sorry for myself - but, I assure you, I will end this entry on a positive note (that is my hope, at least).

Now, where was I? Ah, yes: my roller coaster of self-gratifying and self-defeating cognition. I like to envision myself saving the world: me, walking the Earth, King James Bible in tow, engaging the cattle rancher in Alberta, the potato farmer in Prince Edward Island, the wine maker in Ontario, highlighting to them what the institution through whom they seek personal salvation obstructs from view; me, much like the Christ Jesus, marching into the Church and removing the blindfold from the collective eyes of the flock; me, helping restore their faith in themselves to know what is good and pure.

Sometimes, I can be full of myself, I know. Perhaps I do this in defense of my low self-opinion. Who am I to take on the world when I can't even talk to people? Who am I fooling with the rhetoric I use, but myself? Why should anyone listen to anything I have to say? First of all, I can't say it properly; second, what do I know about what happens in this world, or what needs to be done about it? Do I even deserve a place in this world if I'm no help to anyone?

I'll spare you more of my self-loathing and get to the point of my writing this piece, which is thus:

It dawned on me this evening - as it has so many times before, but seems to escape me - that this isn't about me, but about us. When trying to combat my negative self-construal, I grasp at reasons to make myself seem "special", and in the process, I tend to ignore the fact that we are all special, each and every one, to our friends, our neighbours, our siblings, our parents, our children. I realize I have work to do in the region of the world I was placed, as there are folks here who need my love and support; the same can be said for all of you. I realize no iconic figure will lead us to victory, but rather the collective power of the love in the hearts of the many, so why waste my time yearning to be the next Christ Jesus?

I hope I still feel this way tomorrow. I know I have to do what I can while I'm here, including facing the Devil within me whom I allow to impede my force of good, to keep me from being with God. I know we all face this struggle, and need a helping hand from time to time. Before you, I make this vow: so long as I have love in my heart, and I am loved, I shall summon the strength within this love to pull myself out of bed each morning and face the evil plaguing us, though I cannot guarantee I will not let it get the better of me. Should I succumb to the Devil within, please know I did not do so without a fight.

I bid you all good evening, and wish you peace.

p.s. When you have an hour to spare, please watch this film.