Diffidence

This time of year can be quite a drag, especially when you awake to your home being bombarded from above. I haven't been in the best of moods today, and I have had great difficulty finding the words to express how I feel about the whole thing, but I feel it is my duty - however few my readers are - to somehow convey my thoughts to you in one form or another.

I feel so tense right now, consumed by an incredibly eerie feeling. I hate to believe there is no hope for us to curb our hostilities towards one another and live harmoniously, but examples such as the one cited leave me wondering if it is worth bothering. Today, I watched a film in which people physically beat other people because standing up for one's rights as a human being was proving deleterious to the company's profit margin. Last month, an employee at a large department store who shall remain nameless was trampled to death because anxious shoppers could not wait to get their hands on the best deals. Last year - or was it two years ago? I cannot recall - there was a report of undercover police officers sabotaging an otherwise peaceful protest by hurling rocks and other objects at uniformed officers, thereby fomenting a violent response. Bombs explode hourly the world over, killing and maiming indiscriminately, and the assembly lines churn out more. Our infrastructure at home is crumbling, with hospitals and schools under incredible strain, yet our representatives in the legislature did not hesitate to give themselves a twenty-five-percent raise. This past year, over 42,000 Ontario government employees earned at least $100,000 in salary while so many have nothing.

What the fuck are we doing to each other? How do we sleep at night knowing the harm we cause? Do we really gain that much personally? Do those in the establishment really win when they suppress the people in such a manner? And what about those of us willing to kick and punch and shoot our way towards a "new world order", one we perceive to be created in fairness for all? What do we accomplish by maiming and killing? Nothing, that's what, except more of the same. When we lash out at the police, we're playing the same game they are when they take orders to fire tear gas and rubber bullets: they're just as much slaves as we are. And what of this latest foray of aerial bombardment, supposedly in relatiation of attacks on their nation? The kid pulling the trigger to drop the bomb is just as much a victim as the people he kills, for he has to live with what he has done, live with the dissonance that will plague him until his dying day. And so, too, will the people giving these kids their orders.

I tell you, no matter how much material gain results from turning people against people, to so-called "winners" also lose; they lose their humanity, they lose their souls. Sometimes, though, I wonder if we'll ever wake up to what we're doing. Over time, some have been persecuted - even murdered - for attempting to awaken the masses, while others have gone mad, so is a battle worth fighting anymore? Even with the imminent collapse of the global economy, is this ever going to stop? Or will we be trampling and shooting one another for whatever diminutive portions are left?

I almost felt a tinge of optimism course through me as I was writing just now. I look at others - during my better moments, anyway - and see them as I do myself, as beings who live and breathe, who have doubts and worries, who dream and love and yearn to be loved, who would do anything for those dearest to them, even if it means submitting to the will of some supreme purveyor of sustenance. I just don't know if the benevolence inherent in each of us will do much good, so long as we're afraid to let go of our own comforts. Perhaps we all need to hit bottom before realizing we hit bottom together. Even so, there may still be a few of us at the top desperately clinging to the icy ledge of the summit, flailing our legs at those we see below whom we feel might jeopardize our already tenuous hold on whatever remains to give us a sense of "status".

Here I am, rambling again in such a desultory manner. I hope you were able to make some sense of what I was trying to convey. I wonder if there will indeed come a time when we realize how much we lost while seeking material gain for ourselves. I am assured this time is nigh. Given all that is happening around us, I fear my hope is fading.